Saturday, October 31, 2015

In The Beginning...There Was METAL

The following is the retelling of the early days of Malicious Intent on KJHK re-imagined as mythical lore, and was provided by previous MI DJ, Nietch.

The Bible of Malicious Intent Book Two: The Era of Nietch As told by the scribe Witgen 

VERSE 1: It was a dark time in the land of Jayhawks. For no metal was to be had by those with a radio dial. Children wept as parents curled into balls on the floor, unable to muster the hope they needed to get through yet another cloudy day. Tales were told of a show called Malicious Intent, but it was nothing but legend. Most had never even known of its existence. But the legends also told of a prophecy, that one day a man with long hair and acne, garnered in a brown leather jacket, would call forth to the deep. The deep where darkness feeds, Vikings drink, demons dance, and blood rains. One man did rise from the ashes. This was a man of wisdom, strength and fortitude. He was hit by a bus. A woman rose up, but she was into punk so took over the punk show. But then, then! A man named Nietch stepped forward. The rituals were performed. Arms were slashed, but immediately mended because that shit hurts. Ancient texts were poured over to find others means of ritual. Finally, one was found that would work. The one known as an application form. Papers were signed and behold, Malicious Intent was born again in the spring term of the 97th year of the 20th century. 

VERSE 2: It was a wonderful time to behold, the late 90s. Cradle of Filth, Neurosis, Soulfly, Flesh Parade, Fu Manchu, In Flames, The Esoteric, Wormwood, and more, so very many more, graced the airwaves. Interviews with the likes of GWAR, Therion, Megadeth, Clutch, Machine Head, and more were experienced. Sometimes in a men’s bathroom. 

VERSE 3: Soon, Nietch was joined by a man who flat out refused to ever take a hint and leave. This man was Mean Dean. Their wit and witticisms and super duper clever bantering banter made the airwaves tremble and stuff. 

VERSE 4: But not all was well. The Underarm Music Show, another specialty program, was jealous of Malicious Intent. The show’s Reverend played music born from the sweatiest, most unwashed pits known to man. Obviously there was a lot of overlapping of bands between the two shows. Nietch and Mean Dean were happy for the Reverend, for the spreading of metal, any metal, no matter how vile its stench, is to be welcomed with open arms and unclogged nostrils. Alas, the Reverend did not see it this way. He did besmirch Malicious Intent and Nietch. Mean Dean went live on The Underarm to protect Nietch’s valor while Nietch drank whiskey and watched Tick cartoons. A battle more amazing than the Two Towers and Return of the King transpired, one which has been told by greater poets than I. In the end, it was for naught. Mean Dean was slain. Upon hearing the news, Nietch went to bed, for it was late. The next day he went about his business. And the same for the next several days. But when Mean Dean failed to show up for Malicious Intent, Nietch remembered that a gaggle of Goth girls with daddy issues could be found in any coffee shop. Once Mean Dean had quenched his loins behind a bush spying on them he would come, pun most certainly intended. Then Mean Dean’s severed head was found. It was not in a box. Made a heck of a mess, I tell you. And did Nietch even try to clean it up, take as much as a used tissue to it? You tell me. No, just leave it to sweater vest wearing Witgen to handle such matters. And the stench – Sorry, back to the tale. Nietch looked upon the severed head. He cried for now he didn’t have enough time to smoke before needing to cue up the next song. Eventually though, after failing to find another sidekick, one that would love the metal as much as he and would laugh at any and all of his jokes, Nietch figured it was time to bring Mean Dean back. 

VERSE 5: Mean Dean’s head and body were buried in blood soaked ground as Nietch danced above to simultaneous sounds of Mayhem, Iron Monkey, Opeth, and Faster Pussycat. Metric tons of Zima and Jagermeister seeped through Mean Dean’s tissue and bones. Also included was Nietch’s piss, not because it was a part of the ritual, it wasn’t, but because Nietch thought it would be funny. And it was. 

VERSE 6: Time passed and Nietch paused. He looked about this kingdom of Malicious Intent and saw that it was good. Listeners listened, local bands sought live play, and Mean Dean was back from the dead, penis kept securely in a locked cabinet. Goth girls with daddy issues were able to live their lives in peace. It was time to move on. Necks were slashed, virgins crucified, and I’s dotted. More pee was poured onto Dean, again only because Nietch found it to be funny. The time of Nietch had come to an end, but Malicious Intent was to live on. 

VERSE 7: No one knows for certain what ever happened to Nietch. Rumors range. Porn store clerk, strip club DJ which he was fired from for not playing enough light-rock “hits”, carpenter, stage actor and director, mime, bus driver for special-needs kids, deliverer of newspapers and phone books (ancient is Nietch, indeed, if these are to be believed). Troubled times spent in the land of shocked wheat. One tale says he now goes by the name Trevor and spreads the word of metal in Osaka, Japan to his trapped students of English. That he is married and they have spawned a kaiju bent on the world’s destruction. Wherever he has gone, know that he is one with the truly most beautiful music in the world, the very reason he and Malicious Intent DJs exist, heavy metal.

2 comments:

WULF said...

Haha fucking brilliant!!

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